A Remembered Birthday

Today is Oliver's birthday. Interesting things that i did today:

-I purchased for the first time: a poster. In honor of the years biggest sale at the bookstore, my friend and i celebrated by searching in vain for something to buy. We finally came across a box of posters and voila. It's done.
-I ditched my discussion in order to avoid reality and received a text from the friend i ditched. It said "you are dead to me ):" I laughed particularly loudly when i read the text on a UCI shuttle full of silent people.
-I forgot that I had chinese homework last night that was due today. When i did remember, i did not care because i remembered at the same time that i was taking the class for a Pass or no pass grade. But then i cared again because not doing homework=no improvement in Chinese.
-I made a delicious omelet for my roommate (and myself).
-I watched this weeks episode of Hellcats and am starting to wonder if it is not a show that is trying to make a statement for conservatives.


Happy Birthday Brother!

My Thumb's Soliloquy

mood: weird

Brains
Oozing out of ears
Like freshly made porridge
Or rot in the bottom of a bin.

Eyes
Glazing over in stupidity
Like warm sugary doughnuts
Or slime on a fish

Hands
Hovering over a mouse
Like lethargic trashcan lids
Or stiff cardboard boxes

Shoulders
Hunching into a tight knit
Like an old man
Or a jagged mountain

Hair
Falling sultry on the shoulders
Like a frilly curtain
Or fresh bed sheets

Ears
Nonfunctional and built up
Like a broken staircase
Or a muffled boom box

Lung
Expanding at a snail pace
Like a snowy scene
Or a budding flower

Heart
Tocking exponentially slower
Like an old wooden metronome
Or


guhhhhhhhh....GUHHHHHHHHH.........Everyday is dragging by like a Korean drama nearing the middle of the season. Avoiding reality is so easy to do. But living in a dream state is so frustrating. The lines are blurred and there is no distinction of time. I'm waiting for the moment that hair of denial that is holding me together breaks and all hell breaks loose.

I know I'm complaining and over dramatizing things. There is no excuse, no reason for me to be so terribly lazy. I feel like my flesh is rotting away and that any flicker of sanity is about to flicker for the last time.

Could i Please just stop caring?

On a brighter note: i have a third grade Halloween party to look forward to this Friday. Those were always fun!

Dumb Hopes

Mood: defeated

This week was a complete emotional roller coaster; an overall exciting and yet mundane experience. I'm finally beginning to settle into Irvine and actually enjoy myself for once. After three years, i have solid friends here who i want to be with and who want to be with me. But at the same time all i cant think about and want is more. Facebook, the devil's creation, only spurs my longing to go out and see what else is out there other than the palm trees and rocks i see here. When a new album full of adventures is shared and advertised on my newsfeed, i can't help feeling that twang of jealousy. This summer i got a glimpse of what i was missing out on. I visited approximately 9 states in the span of one week. It was refreshing and strange to see so much GRASS and so much season.

I've never wanted to leave the school aspect of school more. I loathe my major and traveling has been so heavy on my mind lately. Some people were born to study and to be ambitious. Not me. And especially not when I'm stuck in a position where I'm SO close to finishing. Everyday i keep thinking to myself that i just have to stick it up for one more year. Don't fail and i just have to do this for one more year. But everyday i want to fail and negative thoughts come streaming into my mind. Darius has been mentioning how busy i am lately and to be honest, I've been making it that way. The easy way out is to make myself come back home so exhausted every night that all i can think about is rest. But sometimes even that doesn't work. Laying on my bed is probably when I'm most vulnerable. Unwanted thoughts keep filtering in and i find myself succumbing more and and more into what i use to be: airy, dreamy and just plain unreasonably hopeful and dumb.

Crisp air rustling golden brown leaves of autumn kissed trees. Snowy caps of mountain tops reaching endlessly up into the sky. A calm howling around a saguaro cactus that waves innocently on a soft sandy ground. Blaring radios and rhythmic honking working surreptitiously together up atop a vast skyscraper.

guhhhhh......i use to write endlessly describing the places i wanted to visit and how i would envision it in my head. It feels foolish now to think of dropping everything in order to fulfill my insatiable thirst for adventure and new things.

I can't stop thinking about freedom. I just want to quit.

Quit quit quit.

Lucky

Mood: loved

i want to just say that i feel so lucky to have my parents. Last week my dad left me a voicemail and in it he sang me happy birthday. So cute! My mom keeps annoying me about flu shots and how kids are the prime carriers of disease. It's annoying but sweet. She has my best interests at heart.

This morning i received a phone call from them demanding to know what i was doing. I groggily replied that i was sleeping...i almost heard them breathe a sigh of relieve. They later informed me that there was a major car accident involving 10 cars on the 405 and jamboree.

(:

Parting of Ways

Mood: torn

Yesterday night i attended an art open mic. A fellow member and friend in my a Capella group invited me and i went not knowing what to expect. He told me he was a writer and so i embraced myself expecting to hear pissed off poets unleash all the angst they have to offer. Well the first thing i noticed when i got there was that the gig was hosted by the queer community. In a way i almost expected that. I've learned over by college experience that the queers have so much to offer when it comes to art. I heard music, poetry and other forms of writing that night before i had to leave. My friend himself delivered a beautiful piece that was dedicated to a deceased friend and i sat there physically feeling his pain. Another friend whom i unexpectedly met, sang a cute song in her absolutely glorious and coveted voice. It was overall such an inspirational night. I had never seen so much hope in one room. And let me say again, they have so much to offer!

And yet here i am torn between what my church and i believe and what i have experienced firsthand. I have always avoided voicing my opinions about the LGBT because i don't know my opinions myself. It's always been a struggle for me when it comes to that gray area of what i believe is wrong and what i know is wrong.

i don't know anymore....and i have a feeling it will be long before i know anything for sure.

Rewarding Pains

Mood: a little accomplished

"Miss Vicky Miss Vicky!!"

When i entered room 8, the kid closest to the door exclaimed my name in unexpected delight. Six to seven kids streamlined their way toward me a second after and the lower region of my body was soon engulfed by sticky little hands. They were so happy to see me! My mentor teacher gave me the "haha" face and told the kids to get back on task...

Which....for the day was to work on a math pretest. I was set up with three kids and we got right to work. It wasn't long before i discovered how little they wanted to learn. They were goofing off and not absorbing anything i was saying. I struggled with them a little more until we reached a point where i asked on of the kids to read me a word problem. He responded, "i can't I'm not good with words." And then he gave me the most heartbreaking apologetic look. "well why don't i read it with you?" He brightened up and we took on the task of reading the problem. Let me just say, it was not the easiest thing for him to do.

Meanwhile thoughts of shock and disbelief were running through my head. They are in the third grade. It wasn't that they couldn't do the math problems in front of them, it was that they couldn't even read the problem to begin with. Needless to say, when my hour was up, i had never felt more defeated in my life. I felt worse than i did when i bombed my midterm this week. (that's yet another story to tell).

At the end of the day, I sat at my special U shaped desk pondering the backgrounds of these kids when one i helped that day unexpectedly threw me. "Thank you for helping me miss Vicky!" said the most difficult child that day. She had relentlessly goofed off and only grudgingly did what i asked her to do the entire hour. And yet here she was thanking me for the help that i didn't give enough of. It amazes me yet again that just one kid could make me feel like NOT a complete failure and that i am fully capable of changing their lives for the better. I think i just had my first teaching epiphany and it sure felt good.

Insightful Third Graders

As i was walking in a single filed line with the third grade class i am doing field work in, one girl says to her friend:

"Imagine how big the world is to an ANT.....must be a bajillion times huger...coooool"

The Vietnam War

Tutoring:
Chris's mom: Your aunt decided on going to Vietnam!
Chris: HUH why? cuz of the war?
Chris's mom: no honey the war is over
Me: HA HA HA

On Kids

Me: LOL my mother

"Mom: Remember go take flu shot
Mom: especially you will touch many kids later"

Steph: LOL

Steph: kids are the source of all germs

Steph: ugh i used to tutor kids and volunteer around kids
they were always dirty

and smelled like cheese

Little did they know

Mood: hungry

A girl in my class coughed over 400 times today. It was my friend's turn to count but little did he know, i was counting as well. I heard every little noise that came out of her mouth. Incredibly frustrating.

Physical Science 5 is probably the funnest class i will ever take in college. It's a class that mostly allows its students to complete field work in the subject area of education. I have been assigned to a 3rd grade class and will be that teacher's overenthusiastic shadow for the next few weeks. Little does she know i am MORE than a little excited about this mini/semi internship. The class itself is like a retrograde back into the wonderful world of stress-free elementary school. The teachers without fail bring snacks to every class and the entire time is dedicated to us acting like elementary school students while the teachers "teach" us. We spent the previous two classes coloring, creating cutting out fish and rediscovering different types of quadrilaterals (square, rhombus, trapezoid, rectangle....). FUN AND GAMES AND FOOD! just the way liked it back in the good old days. And of course we're learning too. We're learning how to teach! duh!

(: fun and games.