True Story

Sunday morning, there are fresh bed sheets on the master bed. My brother and i would roll around the bed creating as many wrinkles as possible until it was time for church. We would all put on our clothes and make our way towards the street facing my current bedroom. The traffic director would blow his whistle and at the sound of that silvery note everyone would make their way across the street.

There are giant doors in the giant lobby that leads us out into the icy crisp weather. We are in New Jersey or New York. There is people inside seeking expensive refuge from the snow that's pressing down upon the city. My cousin and i are bundled up and it is getting warm. I beg for my parents to let me take off my jacket.

The great tree outside balboa park is wet after the pouring rain. I am carrying my great instrument as i peer into an isle full of colorful floor tiles. As i sit with the cello on my lap i peer out and gaze at the towering lamppost and breathe in the fresh air.

Bible study is over and the twins are yelling instructions for another game of hide and seek. I dash up into my room and make a grab at the bag of sunchips lying on my bed. Crumbs spill when my hand gives and involuntary twitch and the moonlight from my open window streams across my flower patterned bed. The window is open and summer is nearing an end. The air has a touch of edgy attitude.

School is almost over and the blinding sun bounces off the pale and glossy concrete. Everyone is clad in shorts and t-shirts anticipating the season filled with sunshine, ocean, and watermelon. Freedom lingers and creates a tension free atmosphere.

...

Arizona
Colorado
Home
Music
Rain
Harry Potter

THE FUUUUU????

mood: stupid, dumb, idiotic, deflated, punctured, mold on an athlete's foot

When i fail at something, i think i do a pretty good job of looking up and moving on with my life. I tell myself again and again, just don't be stupid next time.

I guess this is just not one of those days...

Crisis

Mood: poor

phoenix: 1901
telepopmusik: breathe
bittersweet: bittersweet faith

blair waldorf
macarons

alexander mcqueen
vera wang
marc jacobs

FIDM

Uggs

It's that time again.....the time to bust out the ugg boots!

ugg boots aside...today is going to be a horrendous day

Those Little Buggers

At the beginning of our tutoring session today, 5 minutes into doing his homework, Chris suddenly sniffs loudly into his hand. He gives me his infamous look with his upper lip pulled back barring his teeth and his eyebrows slanting vertically in to form a scrunch in his nose and continues to sniff away at his hands. I give him a perturbed look as he procedes to lift up his feet with his hands. What happened next occurred so fast that i don't even know what hit me first: the putrid smell, or the act of him taking a huge whiff of his feet. Yes....yes he did. Chris had lifted up his feet to smell it and the stench was so strong that i almost fainted. And of course, this 12 year old little boy thinks its the funniest thing in the world. I yelled at him as he cackled away maniacally and then i told him to get back to work. The next thing i knew, he was smearing his grubby little hands on my jacket. The hairs on the back of my neck rose and i feel like he had left a trail of mushroom fungus in the wake of his nasty feet smelly moldy hands.

Needless to say, i nearly suffocated at then end of the session.

About half way through the lesson, Chris asks me: "DO you fart?" I replied with "Why on earth do you want to know?" and without even batting an eyelid he said "its educational." So i told him that girls don't fart. But sometimes, they release a refreshing scent when they feel that others around them smell bad. He didn't believe me of course but if he did he would've deserved it. 5 minutes later he farted on me.

What a Bitch

Mood: alone

Sometimes, a inexplicable feeling unsuspectingly creeps over me. It happened today when i was at a barbecue with my friends and Darius. Then, it happened again when i got back to my apartment with Darius. And yet again it happened when i called Darius after a while of waiting.

And what feeling is this?

Lonliness.

Or more accurately the feeling of being alone. For yes, there is a big difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. Feeling lonely is nostalgic, something an elderly person would experience. It is bitter and sweet at the same time. But feeling alone is crude and mean. It eats away and clings onto any chance of hope and happiness. It's also a selfish bitch because it'll slap you in the face at the most inopportune moments.

This is what I've been feeling recently. Even amidst all my friends and all the people i love, i can't help feeling that weird gnawing at the edge of my mind.

Maybe the end of a nice weekend spurred these feelings or maybe the departure of Darius did. But whatever it is, I'm waiting for the day i can bitch slap this feeling right back to the shittiest armpit hole it came from.

A Remembered Birthday

Today is Oliver's birthday. Interesting things that i did today:

-I purchased for the first time: a poster. In honor of the years biggest sale at the bookstore, my friend and i celebrated by searching in vain for something to buy. We finally came across a box of posters and voila. It's done.
-I ditched my discussion in order to avoid reality and received a text from the friend i ditched. It said "you are dead to me ):" I laughed particularly loudly when i read the text on a UCI shuttle full of silent people.
-I forgot that I had chinese homework last night that was due today. When i did remember, i did not care because i remembered at the same time that i was taking the class for a Pass or no pass grade. But then i cared again because not doing homework=no improvement in Chinese.
-I made a delicious omelet for my roommate (and myself).
-I watched this weeks episode of Hellcats and am starting to wonder if it is not a show that is trying to make a statement for conservatives.


Happy Birthday Brother!

My Thumb's Soliloquy

mood: weird

Brains
Oozing out of ears
Like freshly made porridge
Or rot in the bottom of a bin.

Eyes
Glazing over in stupidity
Like warm sugary doughnuts
Or slime on a fish

Hands
Hovering over a mouse
Like lethargic trashcan lids
Or stiff cardboard boxes

Shoulders
Hunching into a tight knit
Like an old man
Or a jagged mountain

Hair
Falling sultry on the shoulders
Like a frilly curtain
Or fresh bed sheets

Ears
Nonfunctional and built up
Like a broken staircase
Or a muffled boom box

Lung
Expanding at a snail pace
Like a snowy scene
Or a budding flower

Heart
Tocking exponentially slower
Like an old wooden metronome
Or


guhhhhhhhh....GUHHHHHHHHH.........Everyday is dragging by like a Korean drama nearing the middle of the season. Avoiding reality is so easy to do. But living in a dream state is so frustrating. The lines are blurred and there is no distinction of time. I'm waiting for the moment that hair of denial that is holding me together breaks and all hell breaks loose.

I know I'm complaining and over dramatizing things. There is no excuse, no reason for me to be so terribly lazy. I feel like my flesh is rotting away and that any flicker of sanity is about to flicker for the last time.

Could i Please just stop caring?

On a brighter note: i have a third grade Halloween party to look forward to this Friday. Those were always fun!

Dumb Hopes

Mood: defeated

This week was a complete emotional roller coaster; an overall exciting and yet mundane experience. I'm finally beginning to settle into Irvine and actually enjoy myself for once. After three years, i have solid friends here who i want to be with and who want to be with me. But at the same time all i cant think about and want is more. Facebook, the devil's creation, only spurs my longing to go out and see what else is out there other than the palm trees and rocks i see here. When a new album full of adventures is shared and advertised on my newsfeed, i can't help feeling that twang of jealousy. This summer i got a glimpse of what i was missing out on. I visited approximately 9 states in the span of one week. It was refreshing and strange to see so much GRASS and so much season.

I've never wanted to leave the school aspect of school more. I loathe my major and traveling has been so heavy on my mind lately. Some people were born to study and to be ambitious. Not me. And especially not when I'm stuck in a position where I'm SO close to finishing. Everyday i keep thinking to myself that i just have to stick it up for one more year. Don't fail and i just have to do this for one more year. But everyday i want to fail and negative thoughts come streaming into my mind. Darius has been mentioning how busy i am lately and to be honest, I've been making it that way. The easy way out is to make myself come back home so exhausted every night that all i can think about is rest. But sometimes even that doesn't work. Laying on my bed is probably when I'm most vulnerable. Unwanted thoughts keep filtering in and i find myself succumbing more and and more into what i use to be: airy, dreamy and just plain unreasonably hopeful and dumb.

Crisp air rustling golden brown leaves of autumn kissed trees. Snowy caps of mountain tops reaching endlessly up into the sky. A calm howling around a saguaro cactus that waves innocently on a soft sandy ground. Blaring radios and rhythmic honking working surreptitiously together up atop a vast skyscraper.

guhhhhh......i use to write endlessly describing the places i wanted to visit and how i would envision it in my head. It feels foolish now to think of dropping everything in order to fulfill my insatiable thirst for adventure and new things.

I can't stop thinking about freedom. I just want to quit.

Quit quit quit.

Lucky

Mood: loved

i want to just say that i feel so lucky to have my parents. Last week my dad left me a voicemail and in it he sang me happy birthday. So cute! My mom keeps annoying me about flu shots and how kids are the prime carriers of disease. It's annoying but sweet. She has my best interests at heart.

This morning i received a phone call from them demanding to know what i was doing. I groggily replied that i was sleeping...i almost heard them breathe a sigh of relieve. They later informed me that there was a major car accident involving 10 cars on the 405 and jamboree.

(:

Parting of Ways

Mood: torn

Yesterday night i attended an art open mic. A fellow member and friend in my a Capella group invited me and i went not knowing what to expect. He told me he was a writer and so i embraced myself expecting to hear pissed off poets unleash all the angst they have to offer. Well the first thing i noticed when i got there was that the gig was hosted by the queer community. In a way i almost expected that. I've learned over by college experience that the queers have so much to offer when it comes to art. I heard music, poetry and other forms of writing that night before i had to leave. My friend himself delivered a beautiful piece that was dedicated to a deceased friend and i sat there physically feeling his pain. Another friend whom i unexpectedly met, sang a cute song in her absolutely glorious and coveted voice. It was overall such an inspirational night. I had never seen so much hope in one room. And let me say again, they have so much to offer!

And yet here i am torn between what my church and i believe and what i have experienced firsthand. I have always avoided voicing my opinions about the LGBT because i don't know my opinions myself. It's always been a struggle for me when it comes to that gray area of what i believe is wrong and what i know is wrong.

i don't know anymore....and i have a feeling it will be long before i know anything for sure.

Rewarding Pains

Mood: a little accomplished

"Miss Vicky Miss Vicky!!"

When i entered room 8, the kid closest to the door exclaimed my name in unexpected delight. Six to seven kids streamlined their way toward me a second after and the lower region of my body was soon engulfed by sticky little hands. They were so happy to see me! My mentor teacher gave me the "haha" face and told the kids to get back on task...

Which....for the day was to work on a math pretest. I was set up with three kids and we got right to work. It wasn't long before i discovered how little they wanted to learn. They were goofing off and not absorbing anything i was saying. I struggled with them a little more until we reached a point where i asked on of the kids to read me a word problem. He responded, "i can't I'm not good with words." And then he gave me the most heartbreaking apologetic look. "well why don't i read it with you?" He brightened up and we took on the task of reading the problem. Let me just say, it was not the easiest thing for him to do.

Meanwhile thoughts of shock and disbelief were running through my head. They are in the third grade. It wasn't that they couldn't do the math problems in front of them, it was that they couldn't even read the problem to begin with. Needless to say, when my hour was up, i had never felt more defeated in my life. I felt worse than i did when i bombed my midterm this week. (that's yet another story to tell).

At the end of the day, I sat at my special U shaped desk pondering the backgrounds of these kids when one i helped that day unexpectedly threw me. "Thank you for helping me miss Vicky!" said the most difficult child that day. She had relentlessly goofed off and only grudgingly did what i asked her to do the entire hour. And yet here she was thanking me for the help that i didn't give enough of. It amazes me yet again that just one kid could make me feel like NOT a complete failure and that i am fully capable of changing their lives for the better. I think i just had my first teaching epiphany and it sure felt good.

Insightful Third Graders

As i was walking in a single filed line with the third grade class i am doing field work in, one girl says to her friend:

"Imagine how big the world is to an ANT.....must be a bajillion times huger...coooool"

The Vietnam War

Tutoring:
Chris's mom: Your aunt decided on going to Vietnam!
Chris: HUH why? cuz of the war?
Chris's mom: no honey the war is over
Me: HA HA HA

On Kids

Me: LOL my mother

"Mom: Remember go take flu shot
Mom: especially you will touch many kids later"

Steph: LOL

Steph: kids are the source of all germs

Steph: ugh i used to tutor kids and volunteer around kids
they were always dirty

and smelled like cheese

Little did they know

Mood: hungry

A girl in my class coughed over 400 times today. It was my friend's turn to count but little did he know, i was counting as well. I heard every little noise that came out of her mouth. Incredibly frustrating.

Physical Science 5 is probably the funnest class i will ever take in college. It's a class that mostly allows its students to complete field work in the subject area of education. I have been assigned to a 3rd grade class and will be that teacher's overenthusiastic shadow for the next few weeks. Little does she know i am MORE than a little excited about this mini/semi internship. The class itself is like a retrograde back into the wonderful world of stress-free elementary school. The teachers without fail bring snacks to every class and the entire time is dedicated to us acting like elementary school students while the teachers "teach" us. We spent the previous two classes coloring, creating cutting out fish and rediscovering different types of quadrilaterals (square, rhombus, trapezoid, rectangle....). FUN AND GAMES AND FOOD! just the way liked it back in the good old days. And of course we're learning too. We're learning how to teach! duh!

(: fun and games.

Dorian Gray

Oscar Wilde wrote the famous novel The Picture of Dorian Gray. In around sophomore year of high school, my English class was forced to do a book report on some influential big shot who inspired, provoked or awed those in their time and in the times to come. I looked down the list of possibilities and came across Dorian Gray. Well the plot summary sounded fascinating enough. In the following few days i had devoured the satirical and witty piece of work. When finished i had come to one conclusion: The guy who came up with this must be one pessimistic womanizer (i later discovered he enjoyed defiling men as well). There is no way anyone could claim that it was not a unique person who would write about and develop the character of such a charismatic dick...which is exactly what Dorian Gray was.

Basically for those who don't know: Dorian Gray is a self absorbed sycophant who in his narcissism, has a painting done of him. Initially, his incentive to have this painting done was so that he could admire himself as a beautiful spectacle on the wall. But soon he grew to detest the painting because it showed exactly what he was. He committed downright immoral and appalling things and oddly enough, it was the painting that absorbed the aging, the guilt and the self mutilation. So Dorian Gray hid away his self portrait, and lived on indefatigably while patronizing those who were less beautiful then him. Towards the end Dorian meets his death when he unveils the painting to discover an old and hideously disfigured man. He stabs the painting and the reader is left to ponder the ending where Dorian Gray is discovered lying on the ground with a knife plunged into his heart, not as a beautiful young man but as what he saw in the portrait.

Just for kicks i googled some Oscar Wilde quotes on women:

"One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything."
-- “A Woman of No Importance”

"Crying is the refuge of plain women but the ruin of pretty ones."
-- “Lady Windermere's Fan”

"Men know life too early. Women know life too late. That is the difference between men and women."
-- “A Woman of No Importance”

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."
-- “The Sphinx Without a Secret”

"It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing."
-- “Lady Windermere's Fan”

"I don't know that women are always rewarded for being charming. I think they are usually punished for it!"
-- “An Ideal Husband”

"I don't think there is a woman in the world who would not be a little flattered if one made love to her. It is that which makes women so irresistibly adorable."
-- “A Woman of No Importance”

"My dear young lady, there was a great deal of truth, I dare say, in what you said, and you looked very pretty while you said it, which is much more important."
-- “A Woman of No Importance”

"Women give to men the very gold of their lives. But they invariably want it back in such very small change."
-- “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

"I am sick of women who love one. Women who hate one are much more interesting."
-- “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

"I prefer women with a past. They're always so damned amusing to talk to."
-- “Lady Windermere's Fan”

A Fickle Pickle

Mood: amused

Yesterday my neighbors, roommate and i went to knotts berry farm and i had a blast. Timothy purchased one of those trademark, fat and juicy pickles and Marika, interested, purchased one too. Then that night, we were browsing around Albertsons and Marika searched the store for pickles. Happily, she found them and took a jar home with her. This morning, as we were studying, she munched on those pickles.

Me: (in hunger) im hungry, i want some beef jerky, or something delicioussss
Marika: (munch munch) wanna pickle?!
Me: (viewing the absurdity of this situation) LOL

a few minutes later her pickles are gone and she is gazing forlornly at the empty jar.

Marika: i have no more picklesss ):

life's a pickle!

TTDICWUB

EFFFFF MYYYYY LIIIIIFEEEEEE! :D

I CAN'T WAIT TILL SUMMER TIME.

TTDICWUB:

-rot away
-feel sorry for self
-play lint toe football
-space out
-hardly make a dent in a massive paper i should have started at the beginning of the quarter and has now so adequately revved up my panic radar that all i can do is sit here and procrastinate even more.

procrastinate and panic. panic and procrastinate.

On Mongolian Spots

M: You've never heard of it?
V: NO! what on earth (we find a picture online)
M: lets ask justin if he's heard of it
V: ok (i ask justin...and he has never heard of it)
M: oh thats right...justing wouldn't know it. no white babies have it. only yellow babies.

Complaints

mood: EMO

All i want is for summer to come.

Don't want to study.
Don't want to exert brain energy.
Sick of everything here.

Ohhhh sunny san diego. I never thought i'd say this but I MISSS YOUUUU. and Irvine sorry to say but I'm done with you ):

My tooth hurts.
I have an essay to write.
I'm last chair in orchestra.
People are annoying. Especially with that second rate Irvine attitude. Damn it. (nobody knows what I'm talking about)
Tired.
Headache.
Math is boring.
Sniffing people.
IIIII QUUUUIIIITTTT.

Game plan

mood: determined

I might just graduate in 3 years!

Here's the game plan:

-graduate next year meanwhile apply for grad school.
-travel
-graduate school

Here are the drawbacks:
-Next year would be busier for me. I would have to take minimum 4 classes each quarter and 3 classes this summer in order to be able to graduate on time. Among the 4 classes each quarter would be a language class which i hear involves a lot of work.
-On top of classes i would have to figure everything out about what to do after i graduate. This mostly involves planning and applying for grad school. In all honestly, grad school is my moms idea but also one that i'm willing to go through with. I would need to apply for my masters in education and get in somewhere. Right now, i would be happy to go anywhere as long as its in San Diego.
-not graduating with my friends. Which in all honestly is not a huge deal. It's not that i have THAT many physical science friends anyways. and since most people who are in my class are older, my math buddies comprise of those who are graduating next year.

benefits:
-no more irvine bubble. which although its beautiful here, everything feels too artificial for me.
-i can finally be free to DO STUFF. like travel
-seeing Darius more often
-going back to san diego, which i surprisingly miss
-(hopefully) job which would mean (hopefully) money
-I'LL BE DONE WITH COLLEGE




"the most annoying thing in my daily life is showering and pooping"
-marika

Ponyo

My roommate thinks this is gross:

http://www.encounters-festival.org.uk/assets/images/FRESHFLIX/ponyo_10.jpg

): its sooo cute!

On koalas

Mood: light

V: i dont like koalas. i dont like the way they look at me. they look like pedofiles with their...BEADY eyes.

M: WHY? they didn't do anything to you. it's impossible.....they're so SLOW. and STUPID.

thus, began our research on koalas.

M: did you know....they eat those eucalyptus tree leaves. i think those trees have marijuana or some drug in it. So this means they're always high!

V: OH MANNN.....

M: OH MY GOD. they sleep for 20 hours in a day. they're so slow...and stupid.

V: according to wikipedia, kolas spend about 3 of their 5 awake hours eating.

M: :O. NO they spend 20 hours sleeping. so if they eat for 3 hours, then what do they do for that one hour?

V: and listen to this: " Just after sunset koalas move around and can often be heard "barking" aggressively at other koalas."

M: SO. they spend 20 hours sleeping, 3 hours eating and one hour barking. OH MAN. i wish i was a koala. they have it easy.

V: AND, did you know "Presently, up to 4,000 koalas are being killed each year by cars and dogs"....CARS AND DOGS

M: they're so stupid. and slow. i can't believe this.

V: those marsupials man...

10 minutes later i am talking to Darius and my roommate is grooming herself in the mirror. Suddenly she turns around with a horrified expression on her face. I am thinking, she forgot something vital, or she realized something life threatening or....SOMETHING.

She exclaims "I THOUGHT IT WAS A CATEPILLAR." i have to give her the up down to figure out what she was talking about and i eventually see it. On her skirt clung a fake eyelash leftover from the party she came back from a few hours before. "I ALMOST FAINTED".

I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time.

Fashion Roll

Clogs will be the next Ugg boot. Mark my words.

Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous

I have a mega desk.

Lately I've been really bad about posting and i apologize. I admit it was full out of laziness. Although i did have quite a bit on my plate such as getting sick (YET AGAIN), i still was able to sit down in front of my blank computer but only to find myself staring away nothingness.

When I am in class, i like to vividly imagine my possible future. Sometimes I am a top notch interior designer being called upon by the rich an the famous to design their massive 5 acre homestead or their posh upscale flat. Sometimes i am a famous fashion designer with my own designer label. My creations would be heavily and over-zealously coveted by models, socialites...and the general world. Or sometimes i am a kindergarten teacher loved by all my students and sought after by insufferable parents who wish for "only the best" when it comes to their beloved offspring. I even win over the respect of the difficult child after weeks of coaxing and tactfully disciplining.

): i wonder what I'm doing with my life. My dad likes to tell me i am not ambitious enough and i agree. But it doesn't make me feel any better. Everyday when i sit in math, i wonder what on earth am i doing there? It feels wronger and wronger. I thought i could make myself like something. Everything i know that is attached to math doesn't interest me.

I think it's time for some more searching...

peace.

Just Do It

Mood: somewhat determined

The answer i gave everyone this week when asked "how was your spring break" was: "too short."

Aside from jury duty (in which i didn't even fulfill because i postponed it), i visited the dentist and was my mothers slave. I didn't even see my high school friends or spend decent quality time with anyone except for Helen (for barely an hour and a half) and Darius who i made my number one priority last week. And even for that felt like there there was no adequate time allotted. Now i am back at school bracing myself for yet another quarter of studying and boredom.

I've decided to set a few absurd but necessary (in my opinion) goals which i will enforce starting now:

1) budget for the quarter: $25
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING. Impossible. BUT not really. Last year, Darius told me that he spent a total of something like $20 for the entire fall quarter. And that $20 was spent on one night when he went out to dinner with his friends. AND even that was with the help of my insisting that he went out to do more stuff. So really, if it weren't for me, he would've spent zero dollars that quarter....in fact if it weren't for me, he would probably spend zero dollars ever. Now that i think about it, if it weren't for me, Darius would be a rich rich man.

):

I am a terrible influence. ANYWAYS, my point is that it IS possible. At first i was going to say spend zero dollars, however i felt that was unnecessarily harsh on myself and that it might lead me into starvation. This is going to be a cheap and frugal quarter!

2) To gym it up at least twice a week (more is preferrable). As summer time IS coming around, i must start to think about the future! Since i am unwilling to give up food, i have decided to enforce a stricter exercise plan. Of course you may hardly dare to believe that i and making this a goal for any other reason than this, but exercising acts as a brilliant tranquilizer after a stressful day and so really, I'm also doing this for my health.

3) get good grades. All i want to do at the end of quarter, is look at my end of the quarter report and not experience an unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is straightforward enough right?

My guidelines for this quarter have been established. Time to crack down on it...

peace

Unexcitement

I KNOW I KNOW. i know i failed to post last week.

Truthfully i forgot although that's hard to believe. Many including myself would be more prone to believe that by "forgetting" i really meant that i had purposely pushed this homework assignment towards the back of my head.

Anyways, after a crazy finals week, it is now spring break. I can't help be feel jealous of everyone who is off having real live adventures on their own this week. My neighbor is doing bigger and better things in New York and having the time of his life I'm sure. My cousin came back today after a fun and exciting trip to Virginia visiting her friend. My roommate chose Mexico as her destination this week and is currently probably strolling down some stinky market or getting reprimanded by some Mexican police. The point is, i am sitting here sleeping for 12 hours a day and eating/watching tv the other 12 hours while longing to be somewhere else. My greatest adventure so far had been journeying alone downtown via bus in order to attend jury duty which i was excused from in the end because i would be unable to serve for any longer than two days which is shorter than the shortest trial. Anyways they postponed it yet again till summer and my trip downtown was rendered meaningless.

i have nothing to say in todays post, no thoughts to contribute, no wise words of wisdom to share. I have seen Darius a lot this week but all we did was play the "soo....what do YOU want to do?" game.

Hopefully things will be more exciting as the week progresses. But for now, i will have to entertain myself. Television and sleep here we go!

Peace.

The Bubonic Plague

Mood: huh?

Zombies everywhere.
Complaints of lack of sleep.
Procrastination at its prime.
Horrendous disorientation of time.
Facebook status updates sky rocket.
No logical distinction of day and night.
The world is an unpleasant shade of gray.
Medical remains lie at the edge of my desk.
Dazed peers blithely bumping along ring road.
Flannel, sweaters and sweatpants worn for days.
Fingers flying furiously over a keyboard in complaint.
Music blasting away the functionality in the ear for hours.
Pimples sprouting invariably from personal hygiene neglect.
Papers pile around me in heaps reaping undeserved attention.
All i smell is the dirty layer of grime covering my unwashed hair.
Facial hair elongating freely on the faces of the filthy male population.

Residues of instant miso soup and roasted gorgonzola flavored oven chips gather in my stomach.

Personalities shot with no sense of individuality.

My college ass feels screwed.

Finals is upon us all....like a plague.

peace.

Beauty in The Breakdown

Mood: sudden panic

My weekend:
*Dinner parties
*Back rubs
*Burger, fries and fizzy drinks
*Chocolate covered strawberries
*Cadbury eggs
*Scary movies
*friends
*math and mechanics
*Strolling
*Greasy and delicious pizza
*Tokyo lifestyle
*frou frou: let go "love me if you dare"
*Spending it with Darius, the coolest most amazing person

This past Wednesday, I wandered into UTC and bought udon noodles. There was an hour to kill before i had to meet up with someone. I sat in the student center and recorded this down in my math notes:

Three brothers sit to the right of me in the student center. Little do they know the girl in the denim jacket quietly sipping her udon noodles is eavesdropping in on their conversation.

I am Harriet the Spy.

Somehow, listening to them talk makes me feel a sense of disconnection. They guy with the hoodie is me. The guy with the glasses and button up shirt is Helen and the guy sitting directly across from both of them is pastor Dalon or Aunt Eva or someone with some leadership responsibility.

And now here i am, private anonymous observer. They probably know I'm observing them and I'm bettering they are purposely cranking up the volume a notch in their voices. I feel them converting me: a believer already and i wonder why we as Christians will never fit in.

These guys will soon get up and leave with a sense of higher enlightenment with the world obliviously mulling around them. They will leave me here with a sense of un-fulfillment and confusion.

They will only brush off the ridicule of what would most likely be if it weren't ME sitting here. I should be hoodie boy, stepping up for my beliefs rather than just being lukewarm and unpleasant. What am i waiting for?

The week of intense torture approaches. I hate the looming feeling of finals just around the corner.

Peace on earth.

Laughter

Mood: crazy

Yesterday was a major fat day.

Today is the first day this year I feel like I'm skivvying off my homework. Most times i want to and have something to blog about. And i try to make it meaningful. But today I'm just out of ideas.

I try to keep topics away from front page worthy news in my oh-so-dramatic life. But i suppose just this once, yesterdays events were worthy of recording.

Someone very close to me suffered from random laughing a few years back. He would burst out in laughter at random intervals. People around me would say he was just happy but i saw a pained expression behind his sunny exterior. This period in his life occurred a while after he lost his speech.

For about one year in my life, i never smiled. I know this because as i was flipping though a family album my face was as blank as an brand new canvas. I was a freaky child. I even remember that period in my life. It wasn't that i was emotionless, i just found nothing to smile about.

4 years ago, I felt the sudden urge to laugh at a funeral. I glanced at a friend and we both guffawed at the same time. We also both felt horrendous.

Yesterday, i watched Quarantine at a dinner party with my friends. I was in fits of hysteria afterward and decided to excuse myself to the bathroom. I entered into Bernard's pristine bathroom and did my business and then exited into complete darkness. Like a light switch in my head i knew that my friends were about to play a prank on me. I rushed back into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch only to turn around to find the bloody face of Justin greeting me. For the next half an hour, i had convulsed into involuntary fits of laughter. The kind where I'm actually crying more than i am laughing. But during those few thrilling moments of horror, and the uncontrollable, delirious mirth i felt a certain freedom that i had never felt before...

Perhaps i am going crazy after all.

Peace.

A Happy Disposition

What an interesting week it's been.

-i made and broke lent.
-i failed yet another math quiz
-3 people fell asleep on my bed
-vermillion concert
-i watched a free concert
-stayed up until 6 Thursday night
-became obsessed with the Mulberry Alexa bag in nude Adrienne showed me
-received my new prescription Ray Ban sunglasses
-got a spontaneous visit from my parents
-had boba
-temporarily revisited my journal

I've discovered that i have the most things to blog about on Wednesdays. I've also discovered that number theory lecture is the best time to brainstorm topics for my blog. What i need is to sit in number theory with a laptop ready to type away into my vivid and vast imagination. Wednesdays are also my adventure days where i wander into the university towne center, textbook in hand and wallet vulnerable. I would then browse around Trader Joes or the little Tokyo shop and meet fascinating people milling around everywhere. For example, this last wednesdays, when i made a visit to taco bell (and stupidly ordered a gastronomically unsound burrito), i met two screeching little blond girls. Their mother looked tired but still beautiful. I felt like she could've been the prom queen at her high school and the leader a.k.a queen B of "the popular crowd". She was probably the one everyone envied and the one everyone anticipated with baited breath would stumble publicly and be humiliated forever. She was one of those people whose classmates figured would probably go crazy in college where she'd be away from whatever dominant figure or expected reputation that held her wild side back in high school. They would then in satisfaction, be proven right when pictures of her drunken state appeared on the "where have THEY been, the class of 1994?" site.

But not blond babies mommy. She was here in taco bell purchasing cheese quesos for her two daughters and not screwing up her life.

But what do i know? what if she was knocked up and out popped blond baby number 1? I'd like to think the best in people.

Then i came across cashier boy while i was purchasing my container of cucumbers, shredded cheese and organic flour tortillas.

"HELLLOOOOO!" says cashier boy. In his enthusiasm, he tosses the organic flour tortillas about 6 feet up into the air allowing it to make approximately 9 completely revolutions before it comes straight back down into his hand. I excitedly greet him back.

"why hello, how are you today?"
"fantastic!!"

He flips the quarter i hand to him into the air. As if i needed to ask. Cashier boy is always happy and always flipping things into the air. I've seen him before. His happy disposition draws people and in my opinion, we need more Cashier boys in this world. He handed me some change in cash and proceeded to flip a brown paper bag into the air. After he catches it perfectly, shoves all of of my groceries in, and hands the bag to me, he wishes me a happy day. When i walk out of Trader Joe's, the weather is sunny outside and it feels like summer.

My week became better. Love everything around you this week!

Peace.

Orchestra Time

Alicia: something's wrong with my eye. Its closing by itself!
Me: maybe you're about to get pink eye.
Chris: you get pink eye when someone farts on your pillow

Love Is In The Air

mood: loving

I had the most amazing day yesterday. After a frantic and horrendous week, ending it yesterday with Darius possibly made everything 10 times better.

Monday my period came and i dreaded the pain that would soon come.

Tuesday went by blindly in a blur of panicked studying, disarray and uncomfortable procrastinating.

On Wednesday i came out of my last midterm feeling horrible (contrary to how i felt for my other two midterms). I had planned a nice day for myself after my last midterm. It should have went: Treat myself to a nice lunch at veggie grill and do homework while sitting peacefully outside, practice cello for the first time in ages, return and head out to the gym and then relax for the rest of the night. What actually happened was that of course veggie grill was way too crowded and i no longer had the desire to dine there. I then headed towards to the practice rooms only to discover that they were all full. I waited around until someone did leave and i occupied with music only to feel hopeless about 15 minutes later. After not practicing for so long, i felt like i sucked miserably at cello and gave up. I headed towards the bus and bought myself a small bag of kettle corn from the vendor fair on ring road to cheer myself up. As people streamed out of the bus when it arrived, i stupidly dropped my bad of kettle corn spilling its contents everywhere. When i finally got home i slept for approximately 5 hours to rid myself of all the bad feelings only to wake up to face a mountainous pile of homework.

Thursday followed just as badly. i received my midterm score confirming my bad feeling about it. But things finally started to look up and my day as well as week got better towards the end.

Friday, several of us got together to celebrate Justin's birthday and the package containing a sony dsc w290 camera, that had been sitting in my room for about 3 weeks finally made its way into the hands of its owner. Happy Birthday buddy!

Then yesterday, Helen and Michael and I journeyed up to LA where Darius and i were reunited. I had an amazing day at Little Tokyo and Melrose. I snagged Darius's ice cream mochi virginity. He kept informing me that it tasted amazing and it did. We browsed around all day meandering from Sanrio shops to designer stores. Then for dinner the four of us dined at a romantic little restaurant called Taste located in the heart of Melrose. It was delicious!

Anyways, now it is Valentines day and i am reflecting on all the people i love: My parentals and family , my friends and of course my one and only love and first love Darius. The world is in harmony once more and it's so great how some things in life are just soooo wonderful!

I hope you all have had a nice Valentines day <3

peace!

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ellaphant

formspring.me

What is one thing you would never change about yourself?

This question is difficult. Also difficult to believe, is that i would never change anything about myself. Not even my short stubby legs or my huge ass. I think everyone has their flaws and drawbacks whether physically, mentally, emotionally and i certainly have a fair share of them as well. However the main reason why i wouldn't change anything about myself, is because i just wouldn't be the same person anymore. For example, if my legs were suddenly longer, the insecurities i have built up over my entire lifetime would vanish leaving a whole array of OTHER possible characteristics i could've developed. What if i turned out to be absurdly insufferable? So you see, i wouldn't have me any other way.

...and i guess if you really just want ONE thing: my sense of humor

Ask me anything

Pedicure On My Toes Toes

Mood: Girly

A few days ago i boarded the bus after my midterm along with six other manly man boys. We settled ourselves down in individual seats as the bus driver (a girl) pulled away from the curb. The radio overhead ended the current song and began another. I looked around at all the somber expressions on the boys faces and actually burst out laughing. I then wondered how violated their manliness felt for the song playing was tik tok by Kei$ha.

Right before i reached the bus stop i passed by CDL acapella's stand on ring road. They were selling chocolate covered strawberries and in my good mood i bought a few. They unfreakingexpectedly tasted much more amazing than they should have.

Last night, my roommate Marika and i compared actresses and tried categorizing them all in one of 5 groups: Cute, Pretty, Sexy, Beautiful, Elegant/Classy. For example:

Audrey Tautou: Cute



























Alessandra Ambrosio: Sexy
























Koyuki: Beautiful



























Leighton Meester: Pretty/cute




























Cate Blanchett: Elegant/Classy
























Then we stayed up talking about our boyfriends. I told Marika about how Darius and i met and how we came together. We both giggled endlessly into the night like two children and we went to sleep content after a well deserved and missed girly time.

I miss Darius! But i will be seeing him in a week as Valentines day approaches. Until then i'll be occupying myself with boring things such as studying.

Peace.

TTDICWUB

#????

paint nails.

clean compulsively.

It's Really Not That Bad See?

Dirty Pretty Things My girlfriend has worn the same undergarment for weeks. Isn't that disgusting?

Dear Prudie,
My girlfriend of six months has worn the same bra every day now for two weeks. I really wonder: Is this a normal thing for most women or a psychological issue? I feel it is a matter of hygiene, abnormal behavior, and also really gross.

—Dirty Laundry

Dear Dirty,
Perhaps your worries about hygiene arise from watching too much soft-core porn in which women get in the shower and soap their breasts for extended periods. This is not because breasts are intrinsically dirty but because such scenes are gratifying to dirty minds. If bra hygiene were an actual issue, don't you think American womanhood would have been subjected to decades of commercials along the lines of, "What's that smell?" "It's Myrna's bra. Someone has to tell her!" On your behalf, I actually polled some of the cleanest women I know on their bra-washing schedules. The answers ranged from "weekly" to "when my white bras look black and can walk themselves to the washing machine." The average was a monthly laundering. So your girlfriend's behavior is perfectly normal and neither unhygienic nor gross. I understand that the intimate rituals of the opposite sex can be mysterious and even repulsive to the uninitiated (see the recent letter on men searching their underwear for the Hope diamond). But if you want your girlfriend of six months to be your girlfriend six months from now, you will drop the judgmental tone and think of yourself as a lucky explorer of a fascinating, strange land.

—Prudie

http://www.slate.com/id/2226405?obref=obinsite

Trader Vicky's

mood: amused

Last week I met Arthur. My dear teacher assistant, May, for math 121 loves group interaction and discussions. This led to my somewhat reluctant socializing with my fellow peers. I was partnered with Arthur and our task was to answer the problem May assigned to us. Our question was: The zero vector space has no basis. True or False?

Before i could utter a single word Arthur blurted in one breath, "False because the span of the empty set is the zero vector alone and it is also linearly independent by definition....here i'll show." He then proceeded to flip to the exact page of what he was referring to in order to show me words he has just uttered almost verbatim seconds before.

Today after class i saw Arthur stride up to our professor and DECLARED to him that there was a mistake in the proof we learned in class today. I watched and grinned as our professor scratched his head and try to recollect himself.

I'm not sure about this Arthur dude. I'm still deciding whether or not i like him.

After class today i dropped by Trader Joes to pick out something for lunch. In the back of my mind i had already semi-decided what i wanted to get. On display, catching everyone's attention upon entering sat rows and rows of instant noodle soup meals for the amazing price of one dollar. I had been eyeballing it all week and after finally deciding to purchase it today, i choked and bought something else. Now first things first is that the other "thing" i bought was definitely more worth it than those noodle soups. When i saw them my first instinct was to compare size and prices. The noodle soup approximately 3 ounces and priced at one dollar. What i found was 11.6 ounces priced at 2 dollars. It looked more appetizing and came in a cute container. How could i resist? Here is what i got:


TRADER MING'S KUNG PAO NOODLES AND SAUCE :D

anways. i just wanted to share that with everyone. I highly recommend them, especially for those who are always busy. One word of warning: The sauce should be added at the eaters own discretion as it is quite heavy and a little overwhelming if consumed too much.

On my way back from Trader Joes, i observed a young african american female, munching away on popcorn with her child perhaps 2 years of age screeching away in a stroller. The lady stared at her daughter with an inexplicably hilarious expression and said "here" while shoving some popcorn in the her mouth. This immediately tranquilized the girl and I boarded the bus with a smile on my face.

I hope everyone's day was as funny as mine!

Peace.

An Important and Meaningful Life

The greatest thing about facebook (besides stalking) is that i dont even have to read the news anymore! Anything worth knowing will surely appear on someones status. i get local new/gossip and world wide news as well. I've even developed some sort of importance calculator that can judge how widely known a particular news is based on the amount of feeds i get on that specific subject. For example, if it weren't for facebook, i wouldn't know that the earthquake Haiti suffered last week was a staggering 7.0 and that recently they have had another one at a almost equally bad 6.1. Actually the first time i heard about Haiti was on facebook when i suddenly received several invitations to join the "cause." At first i thought: what? In the end i figured some sort of natural disaster likely equivalent to hurricane Katrina must've taken place to receive so much attention.

Ohhh facebook...

It is sad that i have succumbed to all the methods of the adolescent age and have given in to all the advertisements the mass media produces. I have turned my head from things of true importance and settled my eyes on metal and plastic (or maybe in my expensive case, gold and leather). Recently i have deluded myself into thinking that i am actually helping the greater good by continually lusting after and purchasing expensive merchandise. My reasoning is, that by being greedy and not the least bit frugal, i am helping the economy of our country by increasing the cash inflow/outflow so that somehow the United States of America will be able to stable out its own economy through the pure and utter gluttony of its citizens.

At times i wish people wouldn't remind me that "it doesnt't work that way." There is little to be done in order for me to be able to preserve what little self control i have left. However I do have contorted beliefs, that America's future lies in the hands of people like me.

Last week, in my number theory class, our dearly beloved professor took a weeks leave and left our class in the hands of our vapid TA. (I will leave our TA's name undisclosed in fear that she may stumble across my blog unawares or that somehow i could jeopardize her future goals in some obscure way if any corporations thinking about hiring her stumbles across my blog. So i will just refer to her as TA.) TA i fear leads an uninteresting life. The first day our class met her i knew immediately from her muffin top, choppy ponytail, and soft monotonous voice that we were in for a rough quarter. During discussion she would mumble into the board and occasionally stop for lengthy periods of times in order to rethink and backtrack on what she had just written. Needless to say, discussion droned on endlessly and uselessly due to her lack of preparation and lethargy.

Yet although the classed buzzed angrily behind her back, i felt that i had no heart to blame her or to be mad at her. I had every reason to be peeved at how poorly she conducted our learning time but i couldn't help feel sorry for her. Perhaps she came off insipid because that was simply how she was and had always been. I couldn't help wondering if her monotonous voice equaled a monotonous life. If that were the case then i suppose in her perspective, nothing would really matter including the learning process of her class which would in turn affect a future (hers) that wouldn't amount to very much either. This very thought depresses me and i guess has affected my reaction to her dull teaching. Anyways i wouldn't hope a boring life on anyone and hopefully none of you all have boring lives worthy of being pitied on. My only hope is that i am wrong and that TA parties all night long and has a life full of meaning.

Anyways,

Peace

Yohhhhh-ga

mood: peaceful

I am SO going to Japan.

Today was the first day of yoga class. I meandered aimlessly around the arc in search of the room where the class would take place. When i finally found it with the help of another fellow yoga classmate (who i knew was taking the class as well judging by the yoga mat in her arms), i was about 10 minutes early. There were two other girls already there and so i picked a random spot on the ground and settled myself down. Soon the room was filled with about 20-25 people all female except for two lonely men. The teacher strode in with perfect legs butt and poise. I thought to myself, this is the best decision i have ever made, i am going to look like her.

The teacher, Cindy, turns on the music and with a calm soothing voice instructs us to begin with the basic lotus pose. I continued thinking to myself, YES i am so awesome this is easy peasy! I am centered! the world is balanced! Peace on earth! Chi! Feng shui! Soon we were twisted into a complex pretzel balancing on one leg. I thought ok, this is kinda difficult and i keep falling over. about half an hour into the class, things are getting painful. At one point i removed one sock in order to balance myself better. Cindy, made her 3rd visit to where i was struggling and corrected my pose. "straighten your spine...goood...level your head....very good....now...do you always like having just one sock on?" i realized how ridiculous i mustve looked and couldnt contain myself from giggling. When i was beyond myself in fits of laughter i toppled over while the teacher walked away laughing at me, the crazy one. By the end of the class, both of my socks had found their way off my feet and Cindy had revisited me twice more. And yet somehow, despite my futile attempts at yoga i felt pleased and accomplished.

I shall await each class eagerly...but for now

peace

Killing Time

mood: content, contemplative,

Thursday, Ashley and i contemplated deeply on all the possible things we could do to kill time during the 2 long hours between orchestra and acapella. First i returned the ridiculously priced math textbook to the bookstore after finally receiving the one i had been expecting in the mail. In the end i paid less than half of the price marked at the bookstore. Needless to say, i feel like for once i have finally defeated the system when i saw that i had saved a whopping grand total of two hundred and six dollars and thirty two cents this quarter on books alone.

When Ashley and i decided to fill our minds with lust after material things by reading magazines, i settled myself down a massive plush armchair in the magazine corner of the bookstore, stacked Lucky and Nylon next to me and then proceeded to peel back the pages of Vogue. This months Vogue did a special on an "insight to Rachel McAdams life." She lives a life that i believe many people dream to have, or at least I wish i had. Rachel is one of those actresses who could blend straight back into the real world and not be affected by all the glamor and poshyness of Hollywood. She doesn't care much for fashion and couture according to those who have worked with her. I do not think this is fair. This woman is sexy, famous, and yet satisfied with just tasting homemade churned ice cream with a close friend rather than attending ritzy upper east parties hosted by swanky socialites. Anyways, there is not much that i am going with this except that Rachel McAdams is cool and that she is now my new idol. I will have to work extra hard on not shamelessly becoming particularly doe-eyed and weak when walking through a department store, namely Nordstrom or Bloomingdales, as well as not wishing i were made of money.

Magazine number two, Nylon, had an interesting article in it declaring that stilettos would soon be replaced by clogs! Ha! Funny that a chunk of wood should soon replace the thin delicate icicle of a heel and be considered higher fashion. In my opinion, i do not believe comfort would be placed over aesthetics so soon. Although truthfully, clogs may not be the most comfortable things either. This reminded of my self ages ago when i use to wear sweat pants and t-shirts everyday to school. I cannot remember what possessed my mind to dress so hideously those days except for comfort. I guess sometimes i still tend to choose comfort when choosing what to wear each morning so im a little relieved that the stiletto is becoming the clog. Oh fashion. Anyways who knows what the future will bring, I only hope to see it with my own eyeballs.

Peace.

Resolutions

Mood: indifferent

On January first 2009 i resolved to try something new:

-acapella
-choir
-
-

This year i have made a new years resolution that i believe by far from all my other new years resolutions will be most difficult for me to achieve. Its one of those "fail once and doom yourself for eternity" (well at least until next year) kind of resolution.

I will blog at least once a week all year. That means minimum approximately 52 posts in this 365 day year all spread out evenly and consistently. Of course this is going to be difficult because i am giving myself guidelines:

-as previously mentioned minimum one blog post per week
-no meaningless blogs (specifically the "I POSTED THIS WEEK" kinds)
-blogs may pertain to anything however it must be significant or something notable to me
-"weeks" begin and end on Sunday at 11:59 pm
-each blog will address a certain "mood" (whether it be mine is insignificant) and end with "peace"


Although it may not seem like a lot of bullet notes, but im sure this will be enough to make me go crazy all year. And i plan to stick to this like a homework assignment...LIKE WEBASSIGN, AND APLIA, AND WEBWORKS. MAHAHAHAHAHAH.

anyways. just a taste of insanity and wats to come.

peace