A Hello by Saying Goodbye

Before I begin with my 2017 recap, I just have to say, it took a lot for me to finally write this blog.  This was a quick and brutal year and yet it was still a rewarding one.  Here we go...

-Attended 6 weddings this year
-saw my cousin get married as I stood by her
-got to be in a bridal party WITH Darius in Maui
-gave my maid of honor speech at my best friend's wedding
-finally got therapy for my anxiety and got better!
-rented a car by myself for the first time and drove it to Vegas with Darius
- became tenured and got my crystal apple!
-first grandparent passed away
-went to an 80's concert (It was fun and I felt extremely not white)
-went to the wild animal park and the zoo so many times
-witnessed a 3 dimensional set become a reality in our school musical
-read some books. Loved: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell, Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (the entire trilogy) by Ransom Riggs
-joined a feminist book club
-was in a crazy spin out car accident while driving on the freeway in the rain....and yet left without a scratch on me or my car (thank God for that)
-began making jewelry
-bought my first pair of designer shoes (Gucci loafer slips. Yikes!)
-spent way too much money on skincare products
-posted my first (and certainly not my last) instastory

My grandpa passed away in September and it still weighs heavily on my heart.  He was not in good health mentally or physically and he certainly wasn't young and yet his death was still something I was not prepared for.  When he left us, I seriously reflected on his life that seemed to involve so much suffering. Grandpa suffered from OCD and had a hoarding problem.  It seems comical from and outsiders perspective but after watching him countless times, lock, unlock and then lock again the 5-6 locks on each his back door, front door and room door every time he left his house I came to realize how his OCD had handicapped him.  It took half an hour and sometimes an hour just to get him out the door. Towards the end of his life, grandpa would sit in his living room locking and unlocking a barrel of locks he had collected over the years while growing increasingly frustrated when he was unable to find the key that matched the lock. 

This year I began seeing a therapist for my own mental health problems shortly before my grandpa passed away.  I discovered a lot of things about myself that I was surprised was even there.  For example, my therapist helped me identify and work through some trauma I didn't know I had involving the life of suffering I thought my brother lived due to his disability.  Did my anxiety stem from this? Maybe, maybe not.  But regardless, she helped me discover that my anxiety might be a general coping mechanism and then she taught me healthier ways to cope. I can't say that I'm 100% fine now but my anxiety has been kept in check for almost 3 months now. 

Often times, life doesn't seem fair.  I found myself feeling really challenged by God this year.  I constantly wondered why things that seem so innocuous like gay marriage could be considered to be so wrong according to the Bible. I pondered why God allowed diseases such as the one my brother had and I grieved over how my grandpa seemed to be his own worst enemy. But God really does work in mysterious ways.  I don't know this for sure but I strongly believe that my grandpa derived joy from observing the people he has helped. 2017 taught me that despite the lows, joy can be found in our day to day and that is how I want to live, not dwelling on the past or constantly anticipating the future. 

I am still a little in shock with the fact that 2017 is over.  This year passed SO quickly.  All of the things I had anticipated this year have already come and gone including starting my 5th year of teaching and all the weddings and bridal showers leading up to the grand finale of Hope and Alex's wedding in Maui.  I have helped DIY the heck out of the three weddings I was in and this ultimately leads to why I chose my new years resolution for 2018:

- Dig into the Word.  Over and over again this year I was unsure why I held on to my faith so tightly and only recently I've really started to look for more concrete answers in the Bible. 
- Say gooodbye by deleting instagram and facebook off my phone for an entire year.  I'm hoping that a consequence of this is that I will live in the moment as much as possible instead of dwelling on the past or living in anticipation.  There are a lot of things that could happen this year. For example, Darius will be finding out where he gets into residency in March and it will basically determine where we will move/stay for the next at least three years.  We will undoubtedly be moving somewhere together.  Hopefully I will blog more since I should have loads of new free time (yea....that's how much time I spend idly scrolling through instagram and facebook and reminiscing about things I did or things other people did.  It wasn't even that exiting! SO where did all that time go??). And hopefully I will open and Etsy shop with my friend and recover some damage done from those Gucci slips + skincare products +  all the weddings this past and upcoming year. 

Wish me luck

New Year's Reflection

My 2016 highlights!!

-Completed my first year teaching at Del Lago and started my FOURTH year of teaching. Can you believe it?! I certainly can't
-Was the musical director for our first musical ever
-Got my hair professionally dyed for the first time
-Got an endoscopy
-Went to the new Harry Potter world twice and went to Disneyland 3 times
-Went to Florida with Darius for his first rotation for med school
-A student complimented me on my sweater and then said "but it has illuminati on the back" because my sweater had triangular designs (I rolled my eyes so hard)
-Found a new church and joined a growth group
-Read a lot of books. Here are some I recommend: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella, The Martian by Andy Weir
-GOT MARRIED!!!
-Traveled to Europe for our honeymoon! Italy specifically.  Venice, Florence, Rome and Sorrento even more specifically.

This year was full of so many great things the greatest by far was marrying my best friend.  But at the same time it was a really hard year for me.  The combination of wedding planning stress and working at a new school made my health take a turn.  I was battling chest pain, nausea, hives, overall muscle weakness, stomach pain and headaches for the greater part of the year.  After 2 emergency room visits and one ambulance call, my doctors concluded.....nothing.  Anxiety they said. Just relax they said.

In 2010-11, during my third and final year at UCI, there was a time when I kept bursting out in hives especially around my elbows and knees.  I remember vividly visiting the UCI medical center for what must have been the 4th or 5th time within 3 weeks.  I demanded that I see a doctor who could tell me what was wrong with me at once.  When I finally did see someone, their infuriating diagnosis was "You're FIIIINE. Sometimes people just have hives!"  I was pissed and proceeded to have a very public, sobbing fit right there in the waiting room.  In an immediate response to my tantrum, the panicked receptionist recommended that I schedule an appointment with the school's dermatologist.  When I said "sure why not" she told me that the next available appointment was "two weeks from now." I looked at her with a mad and tearstained face and said "by then I could be dead but sure. Schedule it."

Of course I did not die, but I was definitely still popping allergy medication because my hives had not gone away.  It was totally worth the wait because this doctor was one of the greatest I've seen.  She explained to me that my body is like a cup of water; when you throw a pebble in it nothing happens. But if you threw a bunch of pebbles in it, the water will eventually overflow.  Rehearsals, classes, exams, poor sleep schedule, field work were some examples of my pebbles during that time of my life.  The hives was my overflowing cup.  She told me to take 2 Zyrtecs everyday for 2 weeks.  No alcohol allowed since Zyrtec should technically only be taken once a day because of its liver wrecking properties.  This would help rebalance my body and re-stabilize that cup of water. It worked! And more importantly, I left feeling reassured that I was not going to have to live with hives for the rest of my life.

What was my purpose of telling this embarrassing story? Well after that incident, I took some serious measures in ensuring I was practicing self care. For example, I had deemed Friday nights and Saturday off limits for stressful things like studying or work.  I told myself over and over again that self care is more important and that those things can wait. I had been pretty good about it until this past year.  Now not only are the hives back (admittedly much less in quantity and frequency) but also a plethora of other health issues came along with it.  There was a time this year when I was afraid to leave my house or to even drive my car because I was anxious about getting anxious!  I did not want to take antidepressant medication becuase I was curious and determined to see if I could fight this thing I had gotten myself into without it.  It has now been a 7 month fight and I'm improving.  I haven't thought of my 2017 motto yet but it's going to be something about self care.
  

Things I've learned in 2016:

- Improvement does not happen in a straight line. It is jagged but goes in an upward direction.
- It's important to talk about taboo things like anxiety and depression.  It is healing and therapeutic to know that you are not the only person fighting these battles.  I've learned that psychiatric disorders can manifest itself through physical symptoms.  They're also really common and a lot of people experience it sometime in their lives.


2017 Resolutions:
-Pick up a new hobby (specifically water color and hand lettering)
-Read 1Q84. For those who don't know, it's a monster of a book. I've had this book sitting here for a while now and have been waiting for the right moment to actually read it.  I think this is the year....

Rain

Mood: Gloomy

Lately I've been feeling kinda gloomy.  I've been trying to reflect on why this might be...

Firstly, I've been staying at work for an average of 10 hours daily.  Weirdly enough, it doesn't feel long because every moment is spent running around or grading or staring at my laptop or interacting with people.  Last Thursday, I came into work at my usual 7:30am time, taught and tutored, sat in meetings, then stayed late into the night to watch and grade my juniors as they gave their presentation of learning to the mentors from their internships and finally returned home at around 8:30pm.  This all sums up to 13 hours at school!!!!! I was so cranky the next day.  My poor kids.  I'm having a late night tomorrow too and I'm not looking forward to it.  

I absolutely looove my first period freshmen and my 3rd period Juniors and I (think! hope??!) they like me too.  But somehow, I can't maintain a comfortable and positive relationship with my second period freshmen. You know how everything is going well except for one little thing but the only thing that has your entire attention is that one things? Well that's second period for me. It's probably them, but it also has to be me too.  I like each kid individually on their own but as a class they're always so unfocused and uninterested.  This makes me so mad! Anyways, the fact that I'm faced with seeing them every day, when I quite frankly at this point don't want to, is starting take a toll on my attitude towards work.  Monday was really hard this week.  I was extremely tempted to take that day off (I haven't done that all year!!) but somehow I still dragged my sorry self out of bed.

Side note: Darius keeps telling me to take a day off and I really want to but I get unfounded anxiety when I think about being away from work.  When I was still going through BTSA (an unreasonably grueling two year process for clearing credentials that is the bane of all teachers' existence) my BTSA provider/mentor said that my homework was to take a day off from work.  The idea is that sick days are not only meant for physical sickness but also for mental and emotional sickness.  If I'm mentally or emotionally burnt out, it's bad for me and it's bad for kids.  So really days off should not make me feel guilty but should make me feel good because it benefits the greater cause. I found this idea hard to apply then and I still find it hard now. Definitely something for me to work on.

Whenever I mention wedding planning, I always get this look of "you must be busy."  What I've come to discover is that I'm not a huge fan of wedding planning and that yes it's busy but what is really is, is stressful. I don't believe it's stressful because of the planning part but because of the tension generated between the people involved including but not limited to me, my fiance, my parents, and his parents.  I keep telling myself enjoy the process!!! but omg...I really just want it to be over.


BTW special shout out to my soul sista! Her blog posts have encouraged me to come out of blogging hibernation and to be more useful with my time.  <3 p="">


Currently obsessed with music by:


Taeyeon

I Should Blog Again

I just spent a long time flipping through my old blog posts and I just rediscovered a bunch of music that I've forgotten about. Thank you old self!

It's been awhile so let's see what's new...

1.) I have relocated! I'm working at a new school in San Diego and it's kicking my BUTT.  It's the type of place that you really want to love and then you actually end up loving it and this it hurts your feelings and then you're not sure anymore and then you say to yourself well there's only under 30 days left until summer. #teacherlife

2.) Hashtags are really a thing. It's been awhile since I've blogged. You know what else is a thing in my life? Buzzfeed and Instagram. The power of these two things combined can make my entire night disappear faster than Snape when confronted with shampoo #PrizonerOfAzkaban

I hate it.

3.) My parents are currently sprawled out on the couch downstairs binge watching Asian dramas....oh wait, that's not new

4.) Harry Potter world opened recently in LA and I'm DYING TO GO.  Sometimes I think I really wish the wizarding world existed in real life (it still might!) but then I realize that if it did exist and I lived in it, this sacred magical world may become mundane and that just kills me.  No. It's better that Harry and his friends are left in the pages so that I could escape to it whenever I please.

5.) My best friend Helen is currently residing in Chicago because that's where she is attending optometry school. Mr. Darius is up in Chino Hills because that's close to Pomona where he's attending med school.

6.) Let's see have I missed anything? OH YEA.  I'M GETTING MARRIED in less than 50 days.  WHAT??????


I've been engaged for almost 2 years and the big day is finally upon us all.  It feels weird like I'm about to meet a long lost twin sister for the first time.  So much has happened and it makes me feel nostalgic just thinking about it.  Sometimes I get caught in a day dream about when Darius and I were still kids and just met for the first time. It puts a stupid grin on my face and I can't believe that that day happened over 10 years ago.  This may sound fake but I kid you not when I say it still feels like just yesterday when I first bumped into his bowl cut hair brace-face.

I really want to make it a habit to blog more.  This is so much more productive than staring at my phone for hours on end scrolling meaninglessly through pictures of corgis, calligraphy, ranunculus bouquets, beautiful food and jeans.  I want to make more meaning out of my down time and I really hope this is a step in the right direction. But for now, Good night world!

Good Freaking Bye 2013

Thank goodness 2013 is over. 

This was definitely a tough year. Special shout out to Helen for posting your 2013 list and for re-inspiring me to post mine. Let's see...where to begin. I think I will do my traditional recap of the year:

-Submitted a 95 single spaced thing-which-must-not-be-named (starts with a P and ends with an ACT) that is suppose to represent how qualified I am to be a teacher
-Went to New York and DC with Darius
-Finished a drink all by myself!! it had very little alcohol in it...
-Thought I almost failed the thing-which-must-not-be-named when I finally received my thing-which-must-not-be-named scores several weeks after everyone else. Then...
-Got my teaching credential! Woohoo!
-Landed and began my first career job as a 7th grade teacher at Virgil MS!! 
-After an anxious summer of housing searching, moved in with my aunt at the start of the term
-Was on TV....twice! Anderson Cooper Live (with Darius and Rachel in New York) and Let's Make a Deal (with the twins + Alex in LA)
-Locked my keys in my car for the first time about a week after I started my job
-Found out I was getting displaced from the school I worked so hard to get in
-Started my job as an 8th grade teacher at John Liechty MS days after getting displaced from Virgil (worst week ever!!)
-Went to my dear friend, Pheobe's engagement party
-Attended a divorce party 
-Submitted final grades for the first time for my students
-Went to the Carribean on a cruise with parents and Darius
-Went to Texas!
-Received a present from a student

In retrospect, I've learned 2 things from this year:
Things will most likely not go as planned, and nothing is ever easy. But when you're able to overcome the obstacles placed in your way, the results are truly the most rewarding.

and...

Baby steps go a long way.

I think I've shed more tears and found myself in multiple states of panic too many times to count this year.  Particularly the latter half of the year when I started my first year teaching and when I was displaced to another school, I thought so many times that I couldn't make it and seriously considered a career change several times.  But in the end, I am floored by God's grace. I actually survived my first semester. According to all of the other teachers at my school, it gets better.  And as I reflect on this year's event, I am really beginning to see that yes, it will get better because it already has.

I am disappointed in myself this year because I definitely did not keep my new years resolutions.
Here they were:

1.) Blogging at least once a week! 
2.) Living in the present. 
3.) Be able to finish one drink (and still be okay).  
4.) Gym at least once a week!

I was going pretty strong with # 1 and 4. But #1 stopped after the horrible PACT. I was so caught up job hunting that I just completely forgot to blog.  Then #4 stopped after I moved out of my apartment at UCLA.

#3 actually did happen but in a very lame way. I finished a really tiny and weak mojito in New York and another super weak but not so tiny sangria in a hip fancy place in DTLA on Darius' birthday. I am so pathetic ):

#2 definitely did not happen and so I have resolved to make it this year's resolution again.

So this year I resolve to:

1) Live in the present
2) Go on a roadtrip across at least 3 states
3) Fall in love with 3 songs

No explanation for each, I just simply want to do them. Let's see what 2014 will bring!! I am ready!!

Explorations

Visit the Getty
Try one new vegan place: Vegan Glory
Try two new food places: Mio Babbo, Hurry Curry
Try two new Dessert places: Beard Papa, Spoon by H

Last week I adventured out with Darius to accomplish some of my goals.  I'd say we made a pretty hefty dent in my list.  But there is much more to go.

Getty: This is cheating kind of. There was a college night at the Getty and I went with my roommate. I say it was somewhat cheating because like the Hammer, I had already signed up and intended to go.  But actually, the night of Getty, I was seriously contemplating not going just because I was tired and not feeling it. WOW. I sound like my students. What a sorry excuse...but in the end I'm glad I pulled myself together and went. It was awesome and totally worth it. Note: go to the Getty at night...it's infinitely cooler.

Mio Babbo: Little Italian restaurant down the street in Westwood from where I live. It was a little pricey but the chicken in my Salad and in D's pasta was out of this world!! A+++ for just the chicken! It's a perfect and cute little place for a date. I will definitely be coming back here.  Bonus: You get to keep the little glass cup that they serve the gelato in.

Vegan Glory: Slightly above average Asian fusion vegan joint on Beverly. The portions were perfect for me and Darius to feel comfortable but not exploding.  We had room for dessert also. which brings me toooo....

Spoon by H: Had shaved ice which was...NOT worth it! It was way too sweet and I was freezing (which is not their fault but adds to the idea that this place and I were not meant to be).  I prefer Blockheads shaved snow all day everyday (one of my regulars with D).

Hurry Curry: Average Japanese Curry place on Sawtelle. nbd.

Beard Papa: CUSTOM CREAM PUFFS!!!! Why have I never heard of this place before?? Apparently it's a chain and there's one in Irvine too! What happens is you pick a shell that you want (the outer part of the cream puff) and then a filling. Then you can watch them PUMP the filling INTO the shell.  BOOM mind explosion.  It was so cute! and delicious of course.

More to come!! Planning to attend ucla artsy things soon!

Baby Steps

Mood: lost
Visit hammer museum again

Accomplished one goal on my list this week! The Hammer put on a little event for UCLA students this past tuesday and I went with my roommate not knowing what to expect.  The moment we walked in, my roommate and I spotted a DIY tile crafting station.  There we spent the majority of two hours gluing magazine clippings to an approximately 6X6in tile.  It was amazingly therapeutic and held my focus and attention for quite a long time.  I then had a chicken and waffle out of a food truck and we ended the night with a somber stroll home. Back to the real world...

The truth is, life did not become easier after PACT.  I'm finding myself increasingly anxious over job prospects. Every moment I'm not spending working on revising my resume or composing another cover letter or researching school missions and visions, is considered wasted.  In my head I keep thinking of the goals I had made for myself this quarter and now they almost seem like a chore.  There are so many moving pieces in my schedule that I can hardly remember what's going on when.  My body and brain feel like exploding every day.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be in my life had a chosen a different career path.  Where would I be? What would I have done? It wasn't until my second year at UCI when I committed my future to teaching (and in particular teaching disadvantaged urban youth.). But before then I've seriously considered the following options:

-Journalism
-Interior design
-Architect
-Fashion Directing

Interesting right? I haven't stopped thinking about them either which may explain my tastes on pinterest (har har).

I don't know, even though it's hard, I don't think I could have stayed away from teaching.  Or actually, it really isn't teaching that attracts me about this profession, it's the learning (that my students do but that I also do).  I think that knowledge (although admittedly selective at times) is so great and I can never get enough of it.  I've learned so much so far and although sometimes I just want to crawl into my bed and never get out, when I think about how much more evolved of a person I am now compared to (pick a time and date) I think: it's all worth it in the end.

At least that's what I keep telling myself...Baby steps, Ms. Lieu, baby steps.