A Hello by Saying Goodbye

Before I begin with my 2017 recap, I just have to say, it took a lot for me to finally write this blog.  This was a quick and brutal year and yet it was still a rewarding one.  Here we go...

-Attended 6 weddings this year
-saw my cousin get married as I stood by her
-got to be in a bridal party WITH Darius in Maui
-gave my maid of honor speech at my best friend's wedding
-finally got therapy for my anxiety and got better!
-rented a car by myself for the first time and drove it to Vegas with Darius
- became tenured and got my crystal apple!
-first grandparent passed away
-went to an 80's concert (It was fun and I felt extremely not white)
-went to the wild animal park and the zoo so many times
-witnessed a 3 dimensional set become a reality in our school musical
-read some books. Loved: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell, Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (the entire trilogy) by Ransom Riggs
-joined a feminist book club
-was in a crazy spin out car accident while driving on the freeway in the rain....and yet left without a scratch on me or my car (thank God for that)
-began making jewelry
-bought my first pair of designer shoes (Gucci loafer slips. Yikes!)
-spent way too much money on skincare products
-posted my first (and certainly not my last) instastory

My grandpa passed away in September and it still weighs heavily on my heart.  He was not in good health mentally or physically and he certainly wasn't young and yet his death was still something I was not prepared for.  When he left us, I seriously reflected on his life that seemed to involve so much suffering. Grandpa suffered from OCD and had a hoarding problem.  It seems comical from and outsiders perspective but after watching him countless times, lock, unlock and then lock again the 5-6 locks on each his back door, front door and room door every time he left his house I came to realize how his OCD had handicapped him.  It took half an hour and sometimes an hour just to get him out the door. Towards the end of his life, grandpa would sit in his living room locking and unlocking a barrel of locks he had collected over the years while growing increasingly frustrated when he was unable to find the key that matched the lock. 

This year I began seeing a therapist for my own mental health problems shortly before my grandpa passed away.  I discovered a lot of things about myself that I was surprised was even there.  For example, my therapist helped me identify and work through some trauma I didn't know I had involving the life of suffering I thought my brother lived due to his disability.  Did my anxiety stem from this? Maybe, maybe not.  But regardless, she helped me discover that my anxiety might be a general coping mechanism and then she taught me healthier ways to cope. I can't say that I'm 100% fine now but my anxiety has been kept in check for almost 3 months now. 

Often times, life doesn't seem fair.  I found myself feeling really challenged by God this year.  I constantly wondered why things that seem so innocuous like gay marriage could be considered to be so wrong according to the Bible. I pondered why God allowed diseases such as the one my brother had and I grieved over how my grandpa seemed to be his own worst enemy. But God really does work in mysterious ways.  I don't know this for sure but I strongly believe that my grandpa derived joy from observing the people he has helped. 2017 taught me that despite the lows, joy can be found in our day to day and that is how I want to live, not dwelling on the past or constantly anticipating the future. 

I am still a little in shock with the fact that 2017 is over.  This year passed SO quickly.  All of the things I had anticipated this year have already come and gone including starting my 5th year of teaching and all the weddings and bridal showers leading up to the grand finale of Hope and Alex's wedding in Maui.  I have helped DIY the heck out of the three weddings I was in and this ultimately leads to why I chose my new years resolution for 2018:

- Dig into the Word.  Over and over again this year I was unsure why I held on to my faith so tightly and only recently I've really started to look for more concrete answers in the Bible. 
- Say gooodbye by deleting instagram and facebook off my phone for an entire year.  I'm hoping that a consequence of this is that I will live in the moment as much as possible instead of dwelling on the past or living in anticipation.  There are a lot of things that could happen this year. For example, Darius will be finding out where he gets into residency in March and it will basically determine where we will move/stay for the next at least three years.  We will undoubtedly be moving somewhere together.  Hopefully I will blog more since I should have loads of new free time (yea....that's how much time I spend idly scrolling through instagram and facebook and reminiscing about things I did or things other people did.  It wasn't even that exiting! SO where did all that time go??). And hopefully I will open and Etsy shop with my friend and recover some damage done from those Gucci slips + skincare products +  all the weddings this past and upcoming year. 

Wish me luck