Mood: defeated
This week was a complete emotional roller coaster; an overall exciting and yet mundane experience. I'm finally beginning to settle into Irvine and actually enjoy myself for once. After three years, i have solid friends here who i want to be with and who want to be with me. But at the same time all i cant think about and want is more. Facebook, the devil's creation, only spurs my longing to go out and see what else is out there other than the palm trees and rocks i see here. When a new album full of adventures is shared and advertised on my newsfeed, i can't help feeling that twang of jealousy. This summer i got a glimpse of what i was missing out on. I visited approximately 9 states in the span of one week. It was refreshing and strange to see so much GRASS and so much season.
I've never wanted to leave the school aspect of school more. I loathe my major and traveling has been so heavy on my mind lately. Some people were born to study and to be ambitious. Not me. And especially not when I'm stuck in a position where I'm SO close to finishing. Everyday i keep thinking to myself that i just have to stick it up for one more year. Don't fail and i just have to do this for one more year. But everyday i want to fail and negative thoughts come streaming into my mind. Darius has been mentioning how busy i am lately and to be honest, I've been making it that way. The easy way out is to make myself come back home so exhausted every night that all i can think about is rest. But sometimes even that doesn't work. Laying on my bed is probably when I'm most vulnerable. Unwanted thoughts keep filtering in and i find myself succumbing more and and more into what i use to be: airy, dreamy and just plain unreasonably hopeful and dumb.
Crisp air rustling golden brown leaves of autumn kissed trees. Snowy caps of mountain tops reaching endlessly up into the sky. A calm howling around a saguaro cactus that waves innocently on a soft sandy ground. Blaring radios and rhythmic honking working surreptitiously together up atop a vast skyscraper.
guhhhhh......i use to write endlessly describing the places i wanted to visit and how i would envision it in my head. It feels foolish now to think of dropping everything in order to fulfill my insatiable thirst for adventure and new things.
I can't stop thinking about freedom. I just want to quit.
Quit quit quit.
2 comments:
Don't give up Vicky! <3 <3
Is Facebook the thorn in your flesh? :P
Jk, I have a thorn in my flesh as well. It's not fun but it's there for a reason.
Trust me when I say that you're not the only being driven crazy by school. Why else do people party hard and travel (like you plan on doing) after graduating?
Maybe a change of perspective is needed? You have a lifetime of possibility ahead of you; traveling, marriage, family, friends, heart-to-hearts with the Blob...your college years in comparison are nothing.
I don't want to to sound conceited ): School's driving me up the walls as well. Journaling and the newly discovered guitar keeps me sane. Hang in there, V. You're one of the most steadfast persons that I know. I believe in you 100% (:
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