(belated) New Year's Blog

I think it's about time that i write my "new year's blog."

Up until this point, and maybe even now still, I've been dreading facing my blog. The things I'd talk about or the things I'd unleash, how could i share something that's a part of me through such measly words? But, I've come to a conclusion that the past is there to reflect on. I have nothing planned for this post and know not of what I'm about to post but here it is.....a summary of the things that pop into my head that amount to my year 2010.

For the first quarter of the year, my body collapsed and shut down every moment it was susceptible dirt. I was a wreck physically and the fact that i was so weak and flimsy frustrated me greatly. Every so often i would have a fever of 100 degrees that was enough to make me achey and nauseous but not enough for the doctors to validate it as anything serious. "Oh just rest and drink plenty of fluids" they would say.

Moving on into the year, my mother and i took a trip to the central states where our ultimate destination was Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. We passed by a total of 9 states. It was so beautiful, i felt like i was ready to be swept away by nature and die a serene death. Passing over the morbidity, i finally, for the first time, got a taste of the scenery i long dreamed of and then some. It was so much better than what i expected. My favorite state was Colorado. I always had a weird fascination with Colorado. I knew that the Rocky Mountains sliced through Colorado and the image of those vast snow covered mountains were always a figment of imagination to me. Weirdly enough, my obsession with mountains stemmed from watching the vulgar cartoon South Park. When Cartman, Kyle, Kenny and Stan played basketball the background was always mountains and i always wanted to go there. Something i didn't expect to see was grass. Lots and LOTS of grass. We passed by the grassland state and went to Yellowstone in Wyoming and Montana. It was an unforgettable experience and one that i hope to repeat.

Over the summer i attended summer school at mesa college. I took world history and philosophy. History was incredibly boring and philosophy surprisingly challenged a lot of my beliefs in a way i didn't know possible. While sitting in the subzero classroom, i went through a journey of ideas from Descartes and Locke and Aristotle...At one point my existence vanished altogether. But thankfully i was brought back down to earth when i realized, i have so many other things, better things, to think about, like: the way i was going to organize my future kitchen, or imagining how cold it would be if i were naked in the snow, or thinking of all the ways i could go back to Colorado, or making plans to visit the Saguaro national park again, or what's for dinner, or placing my head on that perfect spot in between Darius's neck and chest. Some people care about their existence, but me? I'd rather fill my brain with other things.

As summer progressed, my grandma entered and exited a knee replacement surgery. Her relentless arthritis, had debilitated her knee to the point where she was crippled and in pain for every step she took. It was about time this surgery took place. During the surgery, my dad and my aunt (dad's sister) rotated watch over my grandma. This was necessary for my grandma's morale as well as her language barrier with the doctors. But when grandma entered into rehab the weekend was up and it was down to me to stay with her 24/7. I loved every moment of it. Family members all around praised me for being such an obedient granddaughter when in reality, it was one of the best experiences of my life. Whenever i wasn't strolling around the peaceful halls, or walking with my grandma to strengthen her knee, or translating the words of the physical therapist, or reading harry potter under the bright sunlit room, i was listening to my grandma talk endlessly about her younger days. She made me laugh and cry (internally) and want to shout out in anger. There were stories ranging from when she was a little girl her mother was the rock in her life, to how she met my grandfather, to my dad's big fat head and his absurd duck feet. Without going into much detail, i discovered a whole new perspective on my family. They didn't just come into being. There is an actual story that led to another story that led to another story... Each and everyone of them was a catalyst that led to where we are all today. How amazing is that?

One night during my stay, i was awoken on my little bed by a terrible cry. My grandma was yelling out something incoherent and she wouldn't stop thrashing. I sprang out of my bed to calm her and a few seconds after i told her everything/everyone was ok she fell right back to sleep. I was thoroughly shaken. In that moment i was afraid. All the things i had ever been scared of, my worst fears flashed through my mind.

There is no death in the rehab center. There is only hope. I couldn't help but compare it to the hospice where i similarly spent many nights. The difference between the hospice and the rehab center, is the vibe and the people. In the rehab center, the patients are recovering. Physical therapists are everywhere, the sheets are full of excretions and flowers with cards wishing good things hang loosely along the walls. The nurses are smiling and wishing the patients a speedy recovery. In the hospice, people are dying and there is no chance of recovery. That is why they were sent there, that's why they are there. The stale stench of pee and flowers likewise hangs in the air and the nurses are still smiling. But they are not hoping for recovery. They don't want to spread false hope and the last thing they want to do is to get attached.

I woke up to a cry similar to my grandma's in the hospice. It was my mothers. I laid there with my eyes closed knowing what had happened, too scared to stir. When i dared crack open my eyelid, a nurse brought me out of my bed and lead me to a dreadful scene. My mother's head was on the bed and my dad had a look on his face that was inhumane. There was a stark feeling of hopelessness that lingered in the air. I stood there, my face scrunched up in content. I observed as my mom became suddenly obsessed with whether or not his tongue would stay hanging out of his head. I stared when my dad bowed over in grief. I watched my brothers face, not move within an inch of his life.

Occasionally I live in fear, fear of death, fear of life. I'm afraid to live because of death and i'm afraid of death because it is the brutal physical and mental punishment God placed on human beings for our needless to say, sins. Sometimes i loose faith in love, friendship, laughter and life lived to its fullest. Many times, i bully my parents for eating unhealthily and practicing unhealthy habits. I would give myself and Darius a hard time about my ongoing resentment of somehow feeling trapped. I think it's been a while since i've laughed so hard like i use to do so easily and carefree. On rare occasions i feel like I'm living an empty life hollow and miserable.

School started and things were getting exciting. A few noteworthy things include: Auditioning new people into Vermillion, Calteach, tutoring Chris, more visits from Darius, roommate dates, an even better friendship with people in particularly Rachel a friend who is more than my "math friend" (even if that's what i always refer to her as), new friendships like Victoria, old friendships like Tim, Stephanie, Jinwan, Max and Scoot, a better appreciation for the arts, a newer outlook on life.

Sometimes i felt like on top of the world, skipping across the UTC bridge imagining happy beaches or the crisp aftermath of rain. Other times i feel not so hot, like a failure and a nuisance. The year ended with Christmas card lane, Los Angeles, Las Vegas and hives.

I spent Christmas with my cousin and relatives in Burbank. My cousin and i did damage at the malls and talked about our lives and the future. We prepped for a massive party and i won a lava lamp from a white elephant game. After Christmas, my parents, grandma and i journeyed to Las Vegas for some slot machines, buffets and unfamiliar feather beds. I drove almost the whole time there and back. Usually i would sit in the backseat admiring the countless Joshua trees that would flash by us. But being in the driver seat gave me a whole new perspective. Who knew there was a road stretching out before us in a scene of vast mountains this whole time?

Throughout Christmas and New year's i was randomly breaking out in hives around my joints. For whatever reason, my body readily decided to reject SOMETHING of the external world. I felt plagued and miserable for every moment of it.

It is now 2011 and to this day i'm still struck with hives every so often. I've thought of a million different New Year's resolutions but only one resulted from the previous year. And here it is: To purposefully appreciate the blessings that are all around me.

1) Appreciate the boyfriend who is and always will be my other half, my rock and the love of my life. Everyday i am astounded by how lucky i was to be able to snag the right one on the first try (or maybe he did the snagging?). He makes me a better person, keeps me grounded and keeps me sane.

2) Appreciate the friends who make the effort to be my friends. The difference between a friend and a good friend, is that they won't give up on you no matter how stupid you are or how distant you may seem. They also ha...tend to get along with you. I'm grateful for those friends who listened to me ramble, who confided in me their fears, who didn't let me give up on a math problem and proceeded to encourage me, who made me feel like i was worth something, who reached out to me and went out of their way to have dinner with me, who said it was OK if i didn't want to drink, who cooked with me, laughed with me and cried with me, and above all, told me the truth even if it might have hurt.

3) Appreciate the family members who will always be family even if you wish they weren't. But my family is different because i have never wished for any of them to not be related to me.

4) Appreciate the parents who put up with me. I was going to put this in the same category as family members but i decided they need a separate category for themselves. They are me in a wiser, smarter, better form. The things they have been through never cease to amaze me.

5.) Appreciate the beautiful things that are always around me. The mountains, the beaches, the buildings, the deserts, the people, the art, the air, the music, the love.......

6.) Appreciate God for all these things He's given for me to appreciate.